The Best and Worst Vegan Books

By PETA member Michael O’killallhumans

As any animal activist knows, there are a ton of books on animal rights, but it can be difficult to sort the gluten-free flax from the chaff.  Or something. First I’ll tell you about the best ones on the market: The ALF’s Guide To Blowing Up Animal Testing Labs By Jeffrey O’killallhumans My son Jeffrey (official policy writer for ALF) just published this great book last year.  This book will help any person who rightly feels guilty for being human and alive.  If you’ve ever wanted to know how to break into an animal testing lab, release all the animals, and blow up the lab, leaving no structure left standing, then this is the book for you.  I’d like to issue the following warning that I don’t think I saw in the book:  Before blowing up any animal testing lab, make sure all the humans are released, so that the media doesn’t get too mad.  It’s just good PR tactics.  It’s just something to consider anyway.  Certainly not mandatory or anything.

Fat Ladies: What They Are and How to Stop Them by Jeane Kirkpatrick I had no idea about this threat before reading this book. In fact, I had always been attracted to larger women as all the pressures of my society had led me to be.  I went along merrily eating steaks, sleeping with fat women, and sometimes eating pork chops, while sleeping with fat women. Then one day, a skinny friend of mine gave me this book and I realized the error of my ways. It turned out that fat women weren’t attractive and that we should in fact make them feel like crap about their weight, as every aspect of their physical form is their fault and says something about them as a person. In fact, if I hadn’t been informed by PETA about how hideous fat women were, I wouldn’t have converted to veganism at all!  Now to help spread veganism, I go up to fat ladies and tell them, “Excuse me, do you know that you are grotesque? By the way, go vegan!”

Aristotle Upside Down by Lisa McCoy Aristotle Upside Down is an amazing book that reveals how important plants and animals are and how very unimportant humans are.  Aristotle thought humans were the more advanced and morally best life forms, and plants were the least advanced and morally worst life forms.  But McCoy turns this picture upside down and rightly so.  She writes how humans are the only creatures to ponder about their own purpose in life and how this is a complete waste of time.  McCoy argues that if humans can make use of their time, their time should be spent purely worshipping gods and goddesses in the form of plants.  All technology and science should be quickly dispelled, even if this means most of the human world population starves.  It’s a small price to pay for evils we’ve done.   Lunchtime by Stephanie Meyer The latest in the ongoing Twilight saga, this book details the vampire protagonist’s conversion to a vegan.  After being bitten by Isa Chandra Moskowitz, Edward ceases to be a sparkly angel vampire and becomes a true monster. Pale and deadlike from his anemia and lack of vitamin B12, he stalks the night, drinking soy blood and ranting about factory farms to his mortal girlfriend.  The action really ramps up as the vampires, werewolves, and mermaids of the high school in question are challenged by the legendary Nosferatofu.  Edward is nearly bested, but after sprinkling some holy Braggs on the monster, they are safe again.  Having killed the Head Vegan, he was released from the spell but continued to be vegan because his body had stopped producing bloodtase, the enzyme needed to properly digest human blood.  The werewolves couldn’t give a fuck. The Joy of Vegan Sex (Which Is Way Better than Omnivore Sex) by Dr. Ursa Minor Most people fall short of being fully vegan when it comes to the bedroom. This book helps you find out which condoms are cruelty free, where to get faux leather masks and alternatives to incorporating animals into your sex life.  Every omnivore you meet will complain, “But goats are great lays!” That argument didn’t work with cheese so stuff it fella.  If you can’t get your rocks off with humans only, you’re doing it wrong.  I mean, you’ll be forgiven for throwing in a canary or two to spice things up now and again. Nobody’s perfect, but this book will help you get animals out of your sex life by 98% at least.

Bush’s War of Terror: The True Cost of the Iraq War as Measured by Donkey Deaths by Nom Chompy It’s startling how many donkeys were killed in the Iraq War.  The CIA World Fact Book estimated 150 donkeys have been killed.  I know donkeys weren’t the only animals killed but it’s a kind of indicator.  Anyway, this book points out the real problem with war.  War can actually harm animals and often does.  If humans could stop war or have it in an animal free zone, then I think all wars would be pretty neutral morally or even morally awesome.  This is a very good book for anyone who shares this point of view.   Humans Can Find Redemption by Depopulating by Helen Virulent This is a very good book.  Do you remember that part in the movie Independence Day when the President asked the alien if there could be any peace?  And the alien just said, “no peace….DIE!!!!” Well, I feel just like that alien and you will too after you read this book.  This book details a complete guide to how eco-terrorists can “reform” themselves by going to the university, getting  Ph.Ds, indoctrinating students with eco-mania, and then sending out these radical students with their radical agendas to go destroy businesses, especially the businesses that are producing wasteful technologies.  What are wasteful technologies?  You know, the kind of technologies that keep humans alive and prosperous.   One thing about this book that I was unclear about was the redemption part.  I couldn’t really find how we’d be redeemed in the book.  But honestly that part never really mattered to me.  In the words of that alien, “no peace….DIE!!!!!” Veganomicon by H.P. Lovecraft This one was very useful in helping me to summon the elder god, Krothnar–easily the most cruelty free of the elder gods.  With his help I was able to find an excellent egg substitute for an occult potluck I was having. Thanks to Lovecraft’s activism, none of my dinner guests left unsatisified with the meal. Several of them did however see into the gaping maw of madness and fell in, never to return. *shrugs* You win some, you lose some. Great book though.

Cthulhu: Not Vegan!

Not on to the worst of the lot. These two books have made a lot of sales, but are pushing bad information: Animal Liberation by Peter Singer This is nothing but garbage. Sure, he promotes treating animals kindly and is for the killing of babies but the problem I have is that he leaves the issue right there. What about toddlers or teenagers?  The fact is, if it isn’t an animal, we are obligated to kill it. Singer ignores this fact, tainting all his other arguments.  Peter Singer is a utilitarian and like most utilitarians, he wants us to kill 50 humans over a lion because the interests of the humans outweigh the lion’s.  I say, let the lion eat each human being individually over the course of 50 days.  Maybe it’s just the morality in me but I think the idea that animals and humans can live in harmony is just a pipe dream.  The only way to liberate animals is by destroying the prison,  the human race.  Singer’s book should be burnt and so should he.  

In the Garden of Vegan By Kramer and Baynard

Honestly, any animal activist worth their nutritional yeast will already be well-versed in the creation mythology of how vegans were put on the Earth and why our poo doesn’t smell.  God said “Let there be light” and saw that it was good. He said “Let it be organic, fair trade light” and saw that it was good. He then set up a thai restaurant inside the garden of Eden and derrived Adam from the soil and got Eve from the farmers market.  The problem with In the Garden of Vegan, is that it doesn’t mention any of this.  Kramer and Baynard are set to lose their vegan cards once the Council of Smugness reconvenes.