So I have a kick-ass therapist. I know for sure we are doing the whole therapy thing right because I totally have that transference thing going on with her. Yeah, yeah, I know she’s human, but don’t remind me. Clearly she has some extrasensory ability to peer into my soul and understand precisely what is going on in there even when I don’t. She gives me just the right amount of tough love exactly when I need it. And we always seem to end up discussing the things I needed to discuss during any given session. No, I don’t think she walks on water, but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her hover just a bit.
Anyway, during my most recent therapy session, we discussed my little baby blog here; what I want from it, what I hope for it, what it gives me. (Wow, I must be a writer if I’m starting to refer to my work as my “baby”.) Overworked metaphor aside, it is a lot like the parenting process. Its been painful in some ways getting it off the ground, and there are days when its down right intimidating and overwhelming. I overanazlyze what I want to say way before my fingers hit the keyboard, and I constantly worry about how my chosen words will affect it’s growth. I want to find just the right balance of being true to myself while still providing what it needs to grow organically on it’s own.
One of the questions I keep coming back to is exactly WHO my intended audience is… Who the hell is gonna read this thing anyway? I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I started a blog because I wanted a readership. A following. A group of readers out there somewhere with whom I could have actual intellectual discourse about the issues that really touch my life. To that end, I am aiming for brutal honesty. After all, what do I have to hide from you, my invisible intendeds? You don’t know me. I don’t have to impress you. You can judge me all you want and frankly I won’t give a flying fuck. So I might as well put it all out there, right?
There’s a lot to put out. As I already said, my posts are likely to range anywhere from the frustrations of attachment parenting and raising a spirited child, to therapy and recovering from PTSD and ritual abuse, to explicit talk about sexuality, BDSM, and sadomasochism. I’m a verbal/written processor – the more I can hear and see my thoughts, the better I understand myself, my issues, the world. And the more I can bounce ideas off of other people, the better it works.
Enter one small problem: I don’t exist in a vacuum. Other people touch my life. My daughter, my lovers, my wife, my friends. And believe me, I have something to say about each and every one of them. My loves know I am writing a blog, and they’ve also been warned that honesty is the rule, and it is on them to decide if they really want to view what I write. Boundary set. But what about acquaintances? Friends of friends? The random co-worker from one of my loves jobs that stumbles upon my blog in a Google search? Where is the line between letting it all hang out there, and protecting the privacy and feelings of those in my life?
I don’t have easy answers for this one. I suspect I will err on the side of risk and try to do very little self-editing, but it will never gone from the back of my mind. I’m blogging in order to reach out and find others who can relate. To set an example that people like me can indeed be open with and unashamed of their lives. Self-censorship will just make that bridge harder to cross.
So here’s to you my intendeds. I’m willing to risk a lot to reach out to you; here’s hoping you reach back someday.
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