I fall more in love with Madam P every day. As Madam and I settle into our life of consensual slavery, my inner Universe continues to expand in ways I could never have dreamed possible. I find myself more and more focused on Madam. I’m having some difficulty putting into words exactly what it is that I’m experiencing. This feels like a rush of… bliss or of peace. A quiet takes over me when I think of Madam. I feel my consciousness reach out into the world when we’re apart, feeling for her presence, her movements somewhere out there. I feel connected to Madam at all times, as if by an invisible unbreakable cord of pure love.
Yesterday when I got home from work, I had barely walked in the door and hung my coat in the closet when Madam called me into her office. There was Madam sitting at her desk, absent mindedly playing a computer video game. She pointed to the floor beside her and said, “I want you to sit here beside me.” I didn’t ask why. I didn’t whine that I just walked in from work and want to do this or that. I didn’t drag my feet or heave a sigh. With a glad heart I said, “Yes Madam” and I took my place on the floor at Madam’s feet. As I sat there listening to the music coming from Madam’s computer game, with my head resting on Madam’s lap, I allowed every single fragment of my awareness to focus on Madam. I let my entire being go; I held nothing in reserve. I thought no thoughts. I desired nothing except one single thing: to be pleasing to Madam. In that pure moment frozen in time, everything inside of me became pure bliss, flowing through me into Madam.
That moment, sitting on the floor at Madam’s feet listening to her play a video game, is the pure essence of what it is that I get out of being Madam’s consensual slave. Everything it is that we do comes down to one pure experience for me: the experience of being obedient. I’m discovering that nothing charges my battery like the experience of being obedient to Madam’s every request. Being obedient fills me with joy, bliss and peace. Obedience turns me on, gets me white hot with sexual desire and keeps me there without end. Every bit of slave training from this point forward, I now understand, is really just obedience training. (That is to say, that’s what it’s about for me; I can’t speak for Madam’s experience.)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a total pervert. I still like a good beating and endorphin rush; I’m still a total humiliation whore. I still love sensory deprivation and being tied up for hours at a time. But nothing feeds my soul or reaches the core of who I am like an opportunity to demonstrate my obedience to Madam.
Now here’s a confession, something that I feel bad about. Last night Madam P gave me a HUGE opportunity to demonstrate my absolute obedience and I totally disobeyed her. Here’s what happened. First let me just say that I don’t like bugs. Okay, I tend to be kind of terrified of bugs. So, there was this creepy beetle thing on the ceiling. Madam courageously climbed onto a chair as I stood behind her to make sure she didn’t fall, and she tried to grab the beetle with a tissue. Well, the beetle broke free and jumped for it. Before the bug had a chance to run away across the floor, I stomped the life out of the bastard. Madam then picked up the beetle with the tissue she still held in her hand and she told me to eat the beetle. (Did I mention that I’m vegetarian and have been for nearly 24 years?) What I absolutely, positively should have done is to tip my head back and open my mouth and wait for Madam to decide what she was going to do. I should have trusted and obeyed. Instead I stood there staring at Madam, not sure whether to believe the seriousness of her request (Madam is also vegetarian), while in my mind I weighed the gravity of simply refusing and accepting whatever punishment Madam deemed just. Madam P totally let me off the hook, laughed and took the bug to the trash. I was a little upset and shaken, not so much because Madam told me to eat the bug, but because I realized that I’m not trained nearly well enough to trust and obey when told to do something I really, really don’t want to do (like eat a bug.) I feel bad about that.
I look forward to the day that Madam has me trained so well that I completely surrender when she tells me to do something that I really, really DO NOT WANT TO DO, whether she actually intends for me to follow through our not. I desire to be so well trained that I just open my mouth and close my eyes and wait for Madam to decide how serious she is in such a circumstance. I’m sorry I failed you last night, Madam P.
Missy
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