I'm Back!!!

After 2 long weeks without internet, I’m back.  I tried posting by cell phone (gee, what fun!! lol), but that was a pain so sorry everyone that the blog has not had much new added.  Things have been fairly mellow and uneventful around here lately.  Relations have been improving between Steve & I after a long estrangement.  Heidi and I are doing well also.  *grin* I need a good ass kicking soon…

[Via http://cuckqueanslavery.wordpress.com]

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM BOUNDNSEXY

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE. 2009 IN RETROSPECT HAS BEEN AN INTERESTING YEAR FOR EVERYONE, HRE AT BOUNDNSEXY

WE ARE PROUD OF THE FILMS WE HAVE DONE THIS YEAR WHICH HAVE TAKEN BONDAGE AND DAMSELS IN DISTRESS REALM INTO A NEW DIMENSION WITH

9 MUSES, THE PRIZE, DOCS, CINDERELLA IN BONDAGE LAND, PI 3:14, AND NOW WE LEAVE YOU ALL WITH NAUGHTY OR BOUND OUR LAST FILM RELEASE FOR 2009, AS WE WE WILL SEE EVERYONE IN 2010.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND MAY EVERYONE HAVE HEALTH SUCCESS AND PROSPERITY IN 2010.

BNS TEAM

[Via http://bnsproductions.wordpress.com]

musings on mentorship

Someone sent me the following question not long ago, and I asked for and received permission to post the question and my answer here…

***

Hi Andrea, can i pick your brain? In the context of the queer leather community, what do you see as the role of a mentor? Is it primarily seen as someone who just offers guidance and advice and shares experiences, as in a vanilla context? Or is it considered more than that, i.e. someone in training whom a mentor would play with, and perhaps even have a sexual relationship with? i’m sure there’s layers to this question that could be discussed over several beers, but generally speaking, would you mind giving me your perspective?

***

This question pops up on discussion lists periodically, and the usual point of conflict that arises is over the question of having a sexual relationship between mentor and mentee or protégé. The very fact that conflict comes up over the question is a clear indication that no universal agreement exists on that point, so I’m not going to pretend to have The Answer. But a perspective, yes.

My own mentorship experiences have been relatively one-way. I’ve been privileged enough to have the friendship and benefit from the occasional advice of a few very well-respected kinksters far more experienced than I, whose opinions I value and solicit, and for that I am very grateful. But I’ve never entered into a relationship characterized by regular exchanges of that nature, and my path in leather has been one I’ve forged for myself based on a wide array of sources of learning and experience – books, workshops, D/s relationships, my own fuck-ups, plain old observation and much more. On the other hand, I am actively engaged in one relationship that began as a somewhat advice / listening-oriented friendship and that was soon thereafter explicit coded as a mentorship (and still operates that way in many aspects), and several other relationships in my world have aspects of mentorship in them.

Right there, that’s a first piece of how I understand mentorship. It’s sometimes explicit and negotiated and the only thing going on, and at other times it’s one element of a larger relationship. Which might in part explain why the sex question gets complicated. In my experience, and from what I’ve seen, mentorship is often one element of a larger relationship, and fairly rarely an explicitly negotiated dynamic that exists without operating in tandem with some other type of connection. I don’t think that either form is “better” than the other, but I do think they come with particular challenges. For the sake of clarity, I’ll refer to the first as “pure” mentorship and the second as “combined” mentorship.

But first: the role of a mentor. I do think that a mentor, classically speaking, is someone who offers guidance and advice and who shares experiences, much like in a vanilla context. This might involve really direct teaching, but I think what differentiates teaching from mentorship is that mentorship implies an ongoing relationship in which the mentor is understood to be available for advice and guidance beyond the simple teaching of skills; skill teaching might not even be part of the deal at all.

The SOY (Supporting Our Youth) mentoring program for LGBTTQ youth in Toronto defines mentors as “‘big brothers and sisters’ who can help you explore questions about identity, sexuality and community. Mentors provide support, encouragement and a non-judgemental listening ear to talk about anything and everything going on in your life… family, school, friends relationships, etc.” I think the idea of a “big brother or sister,” as in, someone older or more experienced, who provide support, encouragement and non-judgmental listening is a pretty simple and accurate way to conceptualize mentorship in leather too.

1) “Pure” mentorship

When a mentorship is operating on a one-note model, or something fairly similar (for example, mentorship combined with casual friendship) it can be discussed in terms of goals and commitments. What does the protégé want out of the deal? What does the mentor have to offer? What does the mentor want to get out of the deal? What does the protégé have to offer? What parameters feel good to both of them? How will they know whether it’s working, and what mechanisms will they employ to ensure that it stays on track and that things get fixed if they go awry? Why do they think they’re a good match, and how will they know if that changes?

(The question of match is crucial – which is why I’m not totally convinced that any outside matching process is going to work reliably, although I’ve heard of leather communities where such processes exist. Like a therapist or a partner or any other kind of intimate relationship, shared interests alone are not enough to create the kind of bond in which the truly intimate work can happen. That’s about chemistry, which is hard to predict with any certainty, and about shared values, which are hard to determine if the person doing the matching doesn’t know one or both parties very well. I think assigned or matched mentorship works best when it’s done for a specific purpose and for a limited time, such as a three-month period of probation-type mentorship for new members of a leather club.)

I think that, generally speaking, the power dynamics in this kind of relationship are most cleanly managed if the mentor and protégé do not have a sexual or play relationship. I’m not laying down a hard and fast rule here; we do, after all, operate in a sexual community, and it’s really not much of a stretch to think that sexual attraction or BDSM chemistry might arise between people who are getting to know each other on potentially emotionally intimate terms. That shouldn’t in itself be cause for panic. But if both parties still agree that the relationship is purely a mentorship – and that is an “if” well worth discussing if other feelings come up – then they probably shouldn’t muddy the waters by engaging in activities that would bespeak a very different sort of relationship.

Why? Because sex and play are often powerful experiences of connection, and, like it or not, they create a really different sort of bond than one of advice-giving and disinterested listening – by which I do not mean “uninterested,” as in bored, but rather “disinterested,” as in the mentor is not directly personally invested in the outcome of a given situation. If the mentor and protégé form an attachment that creates direct personal investment in outcome on the mentor’s part, then the advice given is no longer impartial or general. It would be like asking for impartial career advice from someone who stands to personally benefit if you make a lot of money. They’ll have a harder time advising you to follow your dreams if those dreams might take you into a career as a starving artist – so they’re more likely to subtly or overtly push you toward that law degree.

In other words, if you’re in a power dynamic that’s coded as unequal, as in that the protégé does not yet know how best to proceed and is relying on the mentor’s advice and opinion to help them make decisions, the risks that the mentor might misuse their power (even in fairly mild ways) are much higher. I’m sure that sex and play within mentorship can be done well, but that would require a rigorously ethical mentor who’s extremely good at separating their personal interest from their advice, and/or a very self-aware and perceptive protégé with great self-protection skills and good boundaries, and/or a mentorship situation that’s restricted to very specific areas within which the protégé isn’t particularly vulnerable and/or that do not incite the mentor’s vested personal interest. Otherwise, the whole “non-judgmental” part of the “non-judgmental listening ear” is out the window.

I feel I should also mention here that many people assume mentorship is always provided by a dominant and protégés are always submissives. That’s a load of horseshit. First of all, that little paradigm takes no account of switches. Beyond that, some of the best mentorship situations are set up between dominants or between submissives, because who better to help you along your path than someone who’s doing a similar thing but who happens to have a few years’ experience on you? A dominant might well be able to mentor a submissive, or vice versa, but at some point they’ll end up saying “well, submissives tell me that…” or “as a dominant, I’ve never experienced this, but….” This may or may not be a problem. I’m just saying is that classic power pairings are not always the surest bet when it comes to effective mentorship.

2) “Combined” mentorship

When mentorship happens as part of a larger relationship context, it’s of course a bit more complicated. Like any other relationship, it’s a question of how power imbalance is managed. I’d break this down into two possibilities.

2 a) A mentorship situation can arise out of a love relationship, play relationship or friendship.

This tends to happen when two people get together for the purpose of pursuing some sort of relationship, and one of them is more experienced than the other in a given area relevant to leather, and they realize that a certain amount of mentoring is going on. In this case, it’s a really good idea to talk about what’s happening. Will the power imbalance of mentorship mess up the pre-existing relationship, or can the two co-exist in harmony? If it’ll mess things up, can the need for mentorship be met elsewhere so as not to create a weird resistance to the flow of things in the relationship? If they feel it can be harmonious, how will they manage that in the context of the existing relationship?

In the case of D/s and M/s relationships, especially though by no means exclusively those that operate on a parent/child sort of model (daddy/boy etc.), it’s my belief that mentorship is often intrinsically bound up in the power dynamic, and that’s part of the reason it works. In some contexts and communities, that sort of model is expressly understood to be a form of eroticized mentorship in which the boy (let’s say) will eventually become a daddy or master in their own right when their own daddy or master decides they’re all grown up and ready for the job. And in lots of M/s relationships, there’s an express and fully agreed-upon intent that the submissive or slave will be shaped into someone who reflects the dominant or master’s values, not just in the sense of learning how to please the master through service or submission, but also in the sense of growth in leather – human dynamics, ethics, approaches to the scene, community-building, spirituality, etc.

Both of these things, to me, smell a whole lot like mentorship, just operating in a different space. I don’t see how we benefit by pretending that’s not happening and defining “mentorship” so tightly that we can’t include relationship-born mentorship as part of the picture. Lots of the same questions arise and lots of the same techniques and approaches can be adopted. Of course, as much as in a “pure” mentorship situation, it behooves the people in question to discuss such things as motivations, parameters and approaches very clearly so that they all agree on what exactly is going on. It also helps if the people can cleanly point out where their “other” relationship might in fact impede the protégé’s growth, and figure out ways to work around that, or agree that it’s worth the sacrifice. For example, if a submissive/protégé figures out she’s actually a switch and really wants to explore her dominant side, but her dominant/mentor holds the exclusive rights to her behaviour in power contexts and is not willing or able to switch, the dominant/mentor will not be able to effectively encourage her growth in this area unless something about their agreement shifts – even if this same dominant/mentor might be quite capable of mentoring someone else in the same area if they weren’t involved.

Of course that’s not always how things happen in either parent/(adult) child or other D/s or M/s relationships. For example, a submissive (boy, slave, etc.) might be older or more experienced than a dominant; in such cases, mentoring might not happen at all, or it might actually operate in the reverse balance of the power dynamic. Or an M/s or D/s pairing might come up between people who are not in need of, or interested in offering, mentorship, especially if both are already very experienced; for them, it might be just about shaping the submissive for the purpose of suiting the dominant’s preferences but without any larger goal of growth in leather.

For me, I have done a lot of mentorship within the context of other types of relationship – within a past platonic D/s relationship (where mentorship still plays a part in the non-D/s equation today), and within my relationships with both of my bois. That has included a range of approaches – long conversations, encouraging them to play with and even have relationships with others to broaden their experience, directed reading assignments, workshops, lots of listening, think projects, my support and encouragement of their engagement in leather-related personal projects that aren’t related to our relationship, social events and grilling them about their observations of social dynamics after such events, and much more. It’s a really enriching process for all of us. But then again, I have a bit of a fetish for personal growth; not all dominants take quite the same degree of enjoyment out of such a process.

2 b) A mentorship situation can turn into a love relationship, play relationship or friendship.

This, too, can be done well. In my case, I’ve held pretty firm boundaries about not engaging in play or sex with protégés, but I certainly have developed at least one rich and wonderful friendship that started from a place of mentorship. I don’t think that’s a bad thing; as long as communication is clear and motivations are clean, I can’t imagine why this would be a negative development. As for mentorship turning into a love or play relationship – again, as long as everyone’s interests are laid out for discussion, I see no reason why this is a problem.

In my opinion, problems are way more likely to arise when people try to deny the existence of a new development rather than by its simple existence. Power is most dangerous when it’s kept under wraps, denied, ignored, because then it does what it wants to do, acting in its own best interests without the benefit of supervision. If you simply lay it all out, then real decisions can be made. An ethical mentor will tell their protégé if their feelings change, because that necessarily changes the parameters of the original agreement; an ethical protégé will do the same, because a mentor can hardly steward their power well if they aren’t aware of its reach and repercussions. Honesty is the best policy all round.

Of course there’s potential for misuse of power within any of these contexts. People can be unethical in any arrangement, and in our society we have paltry resources for learning about, understanding and managing power dynamics of any kind, let alone in alternative sexual communities where we’re still understood by the larger society to be crazy, dangerous or sick. So mentorship is no guarantee that things will go well. But in its ideal form, mentorship can be a wonderful resource for people who are new to the leather community or new to a particular type of experience therein, and a rewarding experience for older or more experienced kinksters who want to see the next generation set on a healthy and joyful path.

[Via http://sexgeek.wordpress.com]

FanFic Recommendations...

I am a self professed slash addict, but lately i confess to having gone back to the dark side… het! So here are a few fic recs for both slash and het lovers out there.

What Might Have Been by KeiraMarcos(WIP.)

Rating: NC-17

AU verse in which Rodney never went to Atlantis and the expedition failed within the first two years and they returned to Earth with only half their original numbers.

This is a truly compelling series and if you are a McShep fan it can’t be missed.

Ties That Bind(WIP)… well, basically anything by KeiraMarcos really.

Rating: NC-17

This is a AU McShep verse that is BDSM centric. This series is based and then amazingly expanded on the Coming Home series by Xanthe. I am truly enthralled by this world and in my humble opinion is for me even more captivating than the Coming Home series.

Keira’s ability to weave stories is a true gift and she easily pulls you in and holds you ’til the very end and leaves you begging for more!

Quicksand by Ladydreamer and Herohunter(Completed.)

Rating: Mosty PG, but has a few smutty scenes that rate a NC-17

One cold November evening, twelve years after Lex Luthor left Smallville and Clark Kent behind, the two meet in Centennial Park… as Lex is walking home with his daughter. This is an mPreg fic.

I am a fan of Herohunter so it was a giddy feeling that swept over me when i ran across a rec for this fic. Let me just say i couldn’t walk away from it. I usually either love Clex fics or hate them (the love comes in when Lex is redeemable, but anyways…) and this story held me from the very beginning.

Of Love and Friendship by sarcastic_fina (WIP)

Rating: NC-17

This is a  Oliver/Chloe fic set in an AU world where Chloe grew up in Star City.

It is sweet and fluffy and bubblegumlicious(?) and so good.

[Via http://iamaslashaddict.wordpress.com]

Vera Vision Sneak Peek--And the Sub Becomes a Dom...

Andrea liked being submissive. It was easy to do. Just follow someone’s orders and keep your mouth shut. Maybe she liked the controlling aspect of the relationship. Maybe she was inherently lazy and didn’t want to take the lead. Whatever it is, Andrea was very content to just only give her opinion and not have too much more expected from her than that.

So when her newest online crush asked her to spank him, Andrea almost fell off her chair.

Jason was a contractor by day. Picking up heavy machinery and building homes was his forte. It wasn’t something he wanted to do for the rest of his life but it was something he was good at for the time being. But it was his online persona that told a different story. He loved to be dominated. Pleasing a woman a woman and being her own personal slave made Jason completely happy. Ever since a former girlfriend turned him out, being a sub was all Jason ever wanted.

But for every fetish fantasy, there was always a catch to it. Jason didn’t want someone experienced to put him in his place; what was the fun in that? He wanted someone new and every inexperienced. Someone who could be taught to be a Dom and would relish in it.

Someone like Andrea.

[Via http://veraroberts.wordpress.com]

The Cuckold Experience #1

As you know if you follow our adventures, my wife is training me to be her cuckold. In the end I will be her Pierced, Permanently Chastised, She-Male Cuckold. Believe it or not I am really looking forward to the transformation.

Tonight the process continued. I had been forced to watch my wife used, abused, and dildo fucked by other women; but tonight was the first time we had had a man do the job. My wife found this really nice guy, he’s SocalBlkBull on Fetlife. I have to say I was a little apprehensive about it. I wanted more time to adjust. My wife was right as usual though. He came over for dinner and the experience. I was immediately at ease when he walked through the door. I must admit he’s a good looking man and very nice. We seemed to hit it off immediately. Joy was more prepared as she had been talking to him a lot the last week or so. They already had built up a little familiarity with each other. Still, for some reason she was more nervous than I.

I cooked a fairly nice dinner for us all and while I cooked and made drinks he took control of Joy. Before and after dinner he made Joy blow him, and have sex with him. Surprisingly I was not bothered by it. I thought I’d be very upset. I have always said, “Jealousy is NOT love.” Tonight I saw my wife happy and a little spacey (which she gets when she’s satisfied) . I discovered how much I really love my wife tonight. You can say the words, but it means nothing until you take the test. I felt happy for her, truly happy. This was unexpected.

I won’t get into details; I’ll let Joy post that. It was cool though, because this first time SocalBlkBull took it slowly and allowed me to finish cooking and watch in-between duties. He gave me a few commands that I just automatically followed. It was easy and a nice feeling He gave me a chance to adjust to him and his dominance at my own pace. I will have no trouble serving and watching him with Joy as things progress. Next time I’m to be in my rubber mummy while he ravishes my wife. I can’t wait. I’m a cuckold now. Yea!

Oh, and another GREAT thing. He loved my Midori Margaritas. YES! YES! YES!!!!!

[Via http://raunchytramps.wordpress.com]

DOCS BONDAGE HORROR FILM REVIEW BY TALONSEYRIE AND LIMITED AUDIENCE

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

comics / communication / condolences

Tonight, I’ve got good news and bad news.

Okay, I’ll give you the good news first. Two pieces of it, actually.

First, a very fun article I got to write for the latest issue of Outlooks is just out now. I had the great pleasure of interviewing queer Canadian stand-up comics Elvira Kurt, Darcy Michael and Trevor Boris. I only wish they could’ve printed longer versions of our conversations! I swear, interviewing comedians is the bomb. It’s kinda like having your own private one-person show. Anyway, the results, woefully shortened though they may be, are here (scroll to page 52, “Funny Like That”).

Second, I’ll be giving a workshop entitled “Partner-to-Partner Communication” for Sweet & Spicy Aphrodite in Ottawa Friday night (tonight) at 7. It’s part of Pink Triangle Services’ week of events and programming for women of sexual and gender minorities. Come say hi! The direction of it will be very much participant-led, so come make of it what you need.

On a much sadder note, longtime Vancouver leatherdyke Catherine White Holman died last week in a plane crash in BC. I never met her, but her death has rocked the community out West and I was asked to help spread the word in case anyone didn’t yet know. (I checked in with friends who knew her and was assured that she was an out and proud leatherdyke who would have had no problem with this information being publicly posted as such.) As one of the entries on her condolence page reads, “Catherine was a fierce femme with a bold and beautiful spirit. We will so miss her bright light.” Read the Xtra West article if you’d like to learn more about the details of her life and her passing. My sincerest condolences to all those who knew her.

[Via http://sexgeek.wordpress.com]

A Shit Pig's story

One of My toilet slaves, whom I will refer to as Shit Pig, composed the following narrative describing one of our encounters.  The following words are his, not Mine, but I thought My readers would appreciate his perspective as toilet slave.  He uses some, let’s say, “creative” punctuation and grammar, which can be a bit disorienting, but I find that this writing style conveys the mild disorientation and rolling intensity of the author’s experience submitting to Me.

*********

Naked before you.  You drag your crop over my face, making me look up at your beautiful face,……..slowly dribbling your spit onto my face.

LOL, …[Swishsss, crack  ],….Open Pig.

Mistress kneels close to my face,…grabbing my chin as she filling  my mouth and face with her precious spit.

So, you think your good enough to eat my shit for me.  [SLAP],…Spit Spit Spit

You are going to beg me for mercy shit pig,….MMM, I’m going to fill your mouth with my piss and shit,…you’re going to learn to worship and savor the taste of my waste for me,….I will teach you to thank me for it and tell me how good it tastes,….You will beg at my asshole, licking your lips and moaning  for the taste of my shit like a shit-eating pig……..I’m going to teach you to open wide beneath my asshole and eat with passion for me,,,,,,,,,you will tell me that my shit is the best thing in the world, You are my toilet.

[

Mistress pushes her panty covered ass in my face and makes me breath in the essence of her asshole.

Smell your fucking diner whore,...Hahaha, Sniff my asshole with passion pig,...Deeper, Hahah MOAN Shit Pig!,...

[whip, whip, whip],………Sniff and Moan with passion for my shit,…………..LOL, Harder Whore………Get that nose in my ass and sniff like a dog in heat…..[WHIP,whip],…Sniff and Moan for me mmmmmmm

Mistress sadistically pushing some out into her panties,..Hahahah, mmmm, breath it all in pig, keep your fucking noise in my ass,.mmmmm,..smell your next meal,…My Shit.

Mistress takes her shit covered panties off, holding them just above my nose.

Open

She kneels close to my face makes me smell and lick the shit from her panties.

Look at me and tell me how good my shit tastes.  MMM, yes pig you better like it.  SPIT, mmmm,  taste my shit,…Lick and moan shit pig,….Hahah, MMMM, Show me how much you want it ….[Whip]….More passion whore,,,,,it’s my fucking shit,…Suck it off pig,

Suck and Moan Shit Eating Pig,….[Whip, Whip],….Hahaha, yes look at me and show you you like it,….LOL,…that’s it shit whore

Spit,,,,,,,Suck it all down.

Mistress covers my open mouth with her shit covered panties and makes me suck her spit through them before shoving them deep in my mouth. She turns and puts her shitty ass over my face and makes me smell the shit on her asshole  She make me smell her shit, to moan passionately through her panties……

[Whip, Whip],……..Sniff and Moan,……..Show your Mistress how much you like her shit or I will mark  your ass until you cry for me………hahaha,  Yes, Pig………There is more for you….

[Via http://aisforanya.wordpress.com]