Spotting a Bad Domme

Admit it... you want her!

A lot of people who become interested in BDSM want to try being a bottom first. I have no real proof of this, but I’ve heard it numerous times from friends and acquaintances. Very few people want to try domming first, completely understandable considering how much work and thought has to go into being a top. The planning, intellectual portion of domming can be much easier if you’ve bottomed. You know what works, what doesn’t, and you go into the experience with a basic idea of things you can do.

Ok, you want a dom. How do you find one? Well, depends on a few things. Do you want it to be someone you date, someone you just have sex with, or someone you explore BDSM with without having sex with them? Decide and go from there. If you don’t want to be sexual with the person, a pro dom may be your best bet. They have a strict code of conduct and any pro who didn’t follow the rules wouldn’t be in business long. But if you want someone to date or have sex with, that’s another story. I would ask you how you usually find you sexual partners or previous significant others, this would also be your best bet for finding those things with a dom.

If you’re an internet dater, there are sites that cater to daters of a kinky nature, there is also always craigslist. If you’re someone who does better in bars or likes picking up people in person, there are also kinky bars/get togethers where you could do that and find someone who shares your sexual proclivities. As long as you’re honest and up front with what you’d like to explore and what you are interested, use whatever method you’re comfortable with.

With that said, when looking for a dom, you’re looking for someone you’re going to allow into your life in a way you’d never allow most people. You need to pay attention had have some screenings in place to assure you have the safest experience possible. Here are some red flags to look out for, good signs to look for and things you have every right to demand.

1. Look for the acronym SSC. It stands for “Safe, Sane, Consensual,” the BDSM community’s motto. Someone using it means that they both subscribe to a very important sexual philosophy and are well versed in the BDSM community.

2. Look for someone who lets you set the limits. Subs set the terms. It is all about the subs boundaries and comfort. Don’t let anyone tell you any different, if they do, they’re not worth your time.

3. Have a non-play conversation before you agree to a scene. You need to have the limits talk, discuss how much sexuality will be involved and exchange personal information. You have every right to ask for their full name, and if you are meeting in person, demand it.

4. Speaking of meeting in person, it’s common sense, but meet in a public place first. Have a friend you know and trust know where you are going, give them your dom’s full name, the address of where you will be and any other information you have. Set up a safety phone call, if you don’t call by a certain time, they call you. If you don’t answer or you do and say a predetermined word indicating you’re uncomfortable, they will call the police.  If you do go back to a place to play, make sure it is your place, you’ll be more comfortable when you know your surroundings.

5. I recommend playing on the phone or online first. This allows you to see their domming personality. Pay attention. If they push you too hard, are evasive about sharing information but demand more and more from you, if they keep bringing up something you’ve stated has made you uncomfortable, don’t meet them.

6. Don’t ever, ever meet anyone who says anything about not needing to talk about limits or not needing a safe word. They don’t know what they are talking about, DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM!

7. Last, listen to your gut. Even if everything seems fine and they are being more than accommodating, if something feels off, don’t play with them. This is all about your needs and making you feel comfortable, you can find another dom, you can’t erase a bad experience. Better safe then sorry.

So go out and play, just be safe, put in a screening process, and find the right dom for you. Any dom worth your time will be more than understanding about your requirements, and will respect you more for having them.

written by: Cleofaye

[Via http://morethanjustknots.wordpress.com]

Almost enough

As I mentioned yesterday, family, work and general stresses from the outside world had been hindering the kind of dynamic I so craved.

The first five months of our relationship were tumultuous, but full of raw excitement and passion. I have lots of stories from that time which I think I’ll save for now; plenty of little nuggets of erotic play. Sir had to leave for the summer to work a contract about 4 hours away. It was very hard. I missed him like mad, and I missed the discipline I’d grown so used to. Since then, there were periods of time when we would play hard and heavy, and our day-to-day relationship thrived. The lull happened when things in our lives made both of us feel as though we were powerless. He didn’t feel worthy of exerting control, and I didn’t feel safe enough in my own head to let him go there in that state.

However.

Lately, things have calmed down a little and I’m back in a place where I can trust him again. I am craving being retrained – having all of the naughty, bad little habits I’ve picked up over the months beaten out of me (both literally and figuratively). The hunger that I feel stirring up inside me is a powerful beast. I need to submit. I may need to submit 24/7 for a while. Something deep within me is missing and with Sir’s help, I can fill it up.

One of the lessons he taught me very early on, and something we discussed at length was that he was not the magical fix to any deep seeded need I may have. My submission, my training and my trust were in his hands, but were to improve my outlook on myself. He was the facilitator, not the answer.

So, after some discussion spanning the past few weeks, two nights ago, after a trying evening at work, I got a call from Sir telling me to be ready and waiting when he arrived home. My heart fluttered. I put the phone back on the cradle and promptly took off my clothes. On went my collar, my wrist and ankle cuffs, and a hint of makeup. I brushed my hair and quickly tidied up the place, finishing just in time to meet him, kneeling at the door. He smiled as he looked down at me. He first asked me to stand up so he could take a look. He called me “a vision”. After a thorough examination, I helped him take off his coat and boots, then knelt at his feet while he sat in his chair, deciding what to do with me next. He wanted to check his email and relax a little before dealing with me, so he told me to stand in the middle of the room, sticking my tits and ass out, accentuating the curve in my back. He told me to look straight ahead and to keep my arms straight out to my sides. I responded with a smile and a “Yes Sir!”

Now, call me out of practice, but my arms got tired fairly quickly. This amused him greatly. I knew he was testing me. He was testing how much I wanted to get back into the swing of serving and pleasing him. I could feel my stubbornness boiling beneath my skin. As uncomfortable as it was, it brought me great pleasure to demonstrate to Sir just how focused I was.

It was a night of retesting limits. Sir put the clover clamps on my nipples, then tied the chain of the clamps to the heel of my stiletto. He tied my wrists to my ankles so I was fully splayed and fully available and proceeded to fuck my cunt and my ass with his cock, a thick dildo and his fingers. In addition, I was allowed to take spankings from his hands, the flogger and a wooden spoon. Nothing was too much for me to handle. In fact, if I had felt slightly more outgoing, I would have asked for more. Asking for what I’d like is something I continue to work on – it doesn’t come naturally. In any case, I loved the beating. It takes a lot to mark me and I wished he would go full out so I could come away with badges. But I was happy with what he was giving me, and I took it all with pride.

After he had allowed me to have an orgasm, he let me kneel down in front of his and suck his cock. It was slick with my juices and I took as much of it as I could into my throat. To finish off our play, he had me ride him in a squatting position with my hands behind my head, thanking him for the use of his cock. When he came, he held me for a while. It was sweet. The hard play was over, but the rest of the night was service-oriented (which I also enjoy for the most part). I ran the water for his shower, I was waiting with a towel to dry him off, I made him tea and generally made myself available to be there to tend to his needs.

All in all it was a wonderful night and has pushed me even deeper into the mindset that I so want to maintain. I am craving more. We’ve decided to set up a time to lay out some objectives for the near future, and I cannot wait to see where that takes us. For now, however, I am eagerly awaiting Sir beckoning me. He is sitting in the chair next to me, playing with himself and will let me know when to kneel before him to be his cum receptacle. Then he is taking me out on a date night. I have been instructed to wear my collar and ankle cuffs, though I am allowed to wear an outfit that will conceal them. Just knowing that I’ll be in public wearing these very personal items is making my slut cunt drip with excitement!

<3 Ruby

[Via http://rubysjourney.wordpress.com]

these are a few of my favourite things

Snakes. Snakes are damn sexy. Smooth, muscular, not human, fully prehensile. Heat-seeking creatures with heavy cultural symbolism and taboo built into every scale. The way they scent you with their forked tongues, slither and wrap themselves around you in a slow, dry, deliberate caress. The way they rear up when surprised, ready to strike but watching, watching, waiting before action, because they can take action any time they want, in a split second. Mm.

Leather. Not the kind that’s the victim of misguided design (quilting and pleats, anyone?), or dripping with studs and fringe, or ill-fitting. Rather, the kind that smoothly encases the body like a literal second skin, that gleams darkly in light, that’s soft and hard all at once, that smells rich and slides against the body when you move. It doesn’t have to be black to be beautiful, but that sure does help.

Boots. Classic design and quality material, natch. Boots with a heavy enough sole that they add noticeable weight to your step, that cause you to walk with just a hint of a swagger, that plant firmly and hold the foot with care. Boots that are dirty, because they beg to be cleaned. Boots that are gleaming, because they beg to be licked. Boots that are new, because they hold untold promise. Boots that are old, because they exude history.

Conversation. The kind that starts smoothly and surprises you with a bit of a flirt, and that turns into a mutual weaving of ideas and lasts well past the time you thought it would end when you first introduced yourself. Conversation that renders you breathless, that makes you laugh but not giggle, that challenges and affirms all at once, that connects and excites and leaves you with more questions than answers, one being, when can we do this again?

Dance music. I know many will disagree with me on this one, but hear me out. Dance music that’s exquisitely constructed to compel the body to move. Rich, deep bass that cradles the pelvic floor muscles and pushes the hips into motion, but not so loud as to reverberate or drown out the tune. A treble line that fills your lungs and tickles your shoulders, beckoning you to follow as it takes you spiraling up and around, a melody that makes you a little bit sad in the midst of the sheer joy of motion. A DJ who knows how to work with these things – a bit of suspense every once in a while, but only long enough to make you really want it, none of those long empty pauses where the body has time to lose its momentum and the mind has time to refocus. I don’t want focus when I’m dancing. I want to lose myself in the bodily experience of the beat.

Burlesque. But it has to be done right. I want to be teased, titillated, surprised, denied. Start with a gorgeous costume. I appreciate the humour and camp of burlesque, don’t get me wrong, but what I really want is a sweetly curved feminine body in clothes that push the curves out, pinch the waist in, flatter and slink and drip and veil. Don’t take them off too fast and spoil the surprise. Make me wait for it. Show me a little bit, and then take it away again. I want you to take your body from the realm of cheap and glittery spectacle into the world of luxurious, decadent art. I’m not actually here to see your breasts or your butt. I’m here for the enjoyment of being made to want to see those things, so make me want them.

Books. More specifically, books about sex. Lots of them. The words on their covers, the ideas inside, the crisp feel of pages, the scent of ink and paper and musty old glue, the knowledge that if I am surrounded by books about sex it means I am not the only one in the course of history who has spent this much time thinking about sex and all its many meanings and permutations. Proof positive that sex has inspired deep thought, intense creativity, broad theorizing, endless debate. All of this documented and catalogued and explicated and questioned and created. Bliss.

Blood. But not just any blood. It has to be done right. You have to do it voluntarily – accidents are just messy, and often tainted with the wrong smell. I want a dark-red jewel welling up from a single tiny hole, or perhaps several, or maybe a razor-sharp line that stings and gives me more. Salty, thick, delicious. Powerful. A bit of fear mixed in to heighten the scent, flavoured all the more sweetly with the intensity of your totally irrational, but utterly compelling, desire to feed me.

Clothes. Your clothes. The ones that you chose because they made you feel dressed up, groomed, beautiful, confident. A nicely ironed shirt that nestles just under the freshly shaved line at the nape of your neck. A casually knotted tie that just happens to match your socks. Pants that break on your instep and hug your hips just so. The look on your face that’s cocky and proud and a bit shy all at once, knowing you look good but not sure I’ve noticed yet.

And you? What are a few of your favourite things?

 

[Via http://sexgeek.wordpress.com]

Adam Lambert: The Male Madonna?

Adam Lambert’s AMA performance left nothing to be desired- there was fondling, crotch grabbing, falling and recovering, bird flipping, and face sucking- just for starters. At different points he walked a dancer on a leash, simulated a blowjob with another, and kissed yet another (all of these dancers were male). See for yourself 

(From Associated Press) “Before his performance, Lambert said that he wanted to break down a double standard that existed where female performers are often sexually provocative while men don’t do it that often.” Well you’re half right about that, Adam- they usually don’t get provocative with other men.  Read more

Predictably his performance has inspired “more than 1500″ complaints to ABC and drawn the attention of censors. Which, of course, can only help his career. Hurts so good indeed…

[Via http://sexinpower.com]

Rollercoaster of Love

I know I’m overdue to chime in on here.  As he has mentioned, there has been a shift in things around here.

When we first met, we had discussed the fact that both of us were switches.  As our relationship progressed, it seemed that he was more a Dominant with submissive tendencies while I was a submissive with Dominant (aka stubborn and bratty) tendencies.  So, we had settled into a traditional Mdom/fsub relationship.  But, of course, we can never do things traditionally in our household so, even though he was the Dominant, he stayed home with our kids and I was the breadwinner of the family.  I can admit now that there were many times where this situation did not sit well with me but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with taking on a Dominant role.  His sexual experiences way outnumber mine so I felt intimidated that I wouldn’t do as well as other lovers he had.

Prior to our move, things were not well – lots of stress, little to no sex – so, once we were finally done getting everything moved in, we were both frustrated.  When I get frustrated and stressed, I tend to withdraw, which made things even worse.  Once I did start to get my sex drive back, I kept leaning towards teasing and torturing him.  Eventually, this spawned a turn towards a Mommy/little boy relationship.  I’m not a harsh Mistress by any means, hence the Mommy role.  It was a pleasant experience for me because he is such a responsive slut and thoughtful little boy.  We even started looking at harnesses and new dildos for me to use on him.  I thought to myself that I finally had gotten the control in the relationship that I had wanted.

However, while this relationship was developing, conversation had sparked between myself and one of my friends on twitter.  We actually ended up doing a bit of roleplaying the first night we really talked.  The interesting twist to things was that we had done a Daddy/babygirl RP.  So, yes, I was engaging in one side online and the other in real life with him.  It caused a bit of strife in the first couple days but we talked through it and decided that this would be the best course for now….until today.

This post was actually going to take a different slant except a couple things I read today shed some light for me.  I have been lurking and following bad bad girl’s journey into a new D/s relationship and her post today struck a chord with me.  I have been reading a daybook on simple living and one of the entries I was catching up on talked about answered prayers.  Most people don’t think about the fact that, if your prayer is answered, you then have to take responsibility for what comes of it.  Also, most of the time, what you actually ask for is not what you are needing (i.e., asking for a soulmate when what you need is the self-confidence to be the person to attract your soulmate).  Through discussion, I realized that, when I wanted more control in the relationship, what I really needed was a greater sense of appreciation and validation from him.  I think the past couple weeks have been some sort of cosmic test/reminder/kick in the tail of where I fit in and what my role is.  So, we are back to our old arrangement of Daddy/babygirl.  But, all in all, I learned a valuable lesson – I finally see how a polyamorous arrangement would be beneficial for us.  I have a deep-seated need for affection and attention from my childhood (long story for another day) – so, while the relationship I have with him has been very good, it’s not quite enough for me.  I realize that statement sounds a little greedy and maybe I am.  We already have been in talks with a female friend, who we both agree would be a good addition to our relationship as we both would be involved intimately with her.  But now, our definition of our ideal poly relationship has expanded to include a male play partner for myself.  He has stated that he would allow me alone time with my partner but he would also want the option to be involved in our play at some point.

So, there will be more exploring and an adjustment period while we settle back into our roles but it should be an interesting ride.

–

This is where I chime in. I have to say first off I’m glad to have my babygirl back. I’ve missed her a great deal despite enjoying my role as of late. We both learned a great deal from this time reversed. I learned I really am a bit of a wanton whore. Go ahead, get the ‘duh, obvious’ out of the way. I’ll wait. *tick* *tock* *tick* *tock* Done now? Ok, as I was saying. Aside from a really spiked interest in anal play and being tormented/tortured at night in bed [and I hope both continue...damn did I sleep good those nights], I realized how often I openly sought validation for my actions from her. I plan to keep that in mind and offer it to her without her being quite as pressing [read annoying, I'm sure she does] as I was. I also feel I have a better handle on myself, to the point where a short bit of notice and some play to help me along should make it easy to briefly flip the switch as it were. That way when she does feel like being Mommy again, or beating me with the flogger and what not [yes, open invitation] to get out her aggression, there won’t be a tug of war for control. If I go much further I might as well start a post of my own, so I’ll end with this. I’m happy to have my girl back after my time with Mommy and I’m going to make sure she doesn’t forget that anytime soon.

[Via http://psycosispath.wordpress.com]

Good News!

I’m happy to announce that Going Down at the Dock has found a home with Breathless Press! Here’s a little blurb to tease you. I’ll get an excerpt up on the website this weekend and keep you updated on when this sizzling story will be released.

Blurb

Businesswoman Jasmine Kendall needs one thing to escape her high pressured life: a powerful man who will bend her and make her submit. Meeting Master Darren Finnagen can give her everything she dreamed. He’s a man who will control her every move, push her to new heightened orgasms, and bring her total happiness. His latest plans for her include a jaunt down a shipping dock where she must make three strangers come, but when she’s done, will Darren be waiting for her or was this just a test?

 

Slacking

I’ve been slacking with my blog lately, I know. I’ve been writing like crazy though, so that’s a good thing right? Writing means possible new releases in my future.
Speaking of new releases I FINALLY received my release date for Heat Waves – Dec 4th!! Still no cover yet.
I’m sooo excited. I’ll have two releases in December.

I’m happy to say I finished book three of the Lady Shea’s Manor series over the weekend and began writing book one. I’m confident I’ll get this one done by months end and I’ll work on book two in December, along with Laney’s Delights. I’m really excited about writing that story. I had to put it aside to work on other stuff. Oh crap and I forgot I have a Jan 1 deadline for a Valentine short. That’s half done so I’ll be working on that next month too.

I had a great idea for a St. Patrick’s Day story, but think I’ve missed the deadlines for that. There’s always next year. It’s almost time to start thinking summer stories. Hmmmm, I love the warm weather.

Weekend NaNo totals:
Saturday – 1782
Sunday – 2252