Spotting a Bad Domme

Admit it... you want her!

A lot of people who become interested in BDSM want to try being a bottom first. I have no real proof of this, but I’ve heard it numerous times from friends and acquaintances. Very few people want to try domming first, completely understandable considering how much work and thought has to go into being a top. The planning, intellectual portion of domming can be much easier if you’ve bottomed. You know what works, what doesn’t, and you go into the experience with a basic idea of things you can do.

Ok, you want a dom. How do you find one? Well, depends on a few things. Do you want it to be someone you date, someone you just have sex with, or someone you explore BDSM with without having sex with them? Decide and go from there. If you don’t want to be sexual with the person, a pro dom may be your best bet. They have a strict code of conduct and any pro who didn’t follow the rules wouldn’t be in business long. But if you want someone to date or have sex with, that’s another story. I would ask you how you usually find you sexual partners or previous significant others, this would also be your best bet for finding those things with a dom.

If you’re an internet dater, there are sites that cater to daters of a kinky nature, there is also always craigslist. If you’re someone who does better in bars or likes picking up people in person, there are also kinky bars/get togethers where you could do that and find someone who shares your sexual proclivities. As long as you’re honest and up front with what you’d like to explore and what you are interested, use whatever method you’re comfortable with.

With that said, when looking for a dom, you’re looking for someone you’re going to allow into your life in a way you’d never allow most people. You need to pay attention had have some screenings in place to assure you have the safest experience possible. Here are some red flags to look out for, good signs to look for and things you have every right to demand.

1. Look for the acronym SSC. It stands for “Safe, Sane, Consensual,” the BDSM community’s motto. Someone using it means that they both subscribe to a very important sexual philosophy and are well versed in the BDSM community.

2. Look for someone who lets you set the limits. Subs set the terms. It is all about the subs boundaries and comfort. Don’t let anyone tell you any different, if they do, they’re not worth your time.

3. Have a non-play conversation before you agree to a scene. You need to have the limits talk, discuss how much sexuality will be involved and exchange personal information. You have every right to ask for their full name, and if you are meeting in person, demand it.

4. Speaking of meeting in person, it’s common sense, but meet in a public place first. Have a friend you know and trust know where you are going, give them your dom’s full name, the address of where you will be and any other information you have. Set up a safety phone call, if you don’t call by a certain time, they call you. If you don’t answer or you do and say a predetermined word indicating you’re uncomfortable, they will call the police.  If you do go back to a place to play, make sure it is your place, you’ll be more comfortable when you know your surroundings.

5. I recommend playing on the phone or online first. This allows you to see their domming personality. Pay attention. If they push you too hard, are evasive about sharing information but demand more and more from you, if they keep bringing up something you’ve stated has made you uncomfortable, don’t meet them.

6. Don’t ever, ever meet anyone who says anything about not needing to talk about limits or not needing a safe word. They don’t know what they are talking about, DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM!

7. Last, listen to your gut. Even if everything seems fine and they are being more than accommodating, if something feels off, don’t play with them. This is all about your needs and making you feel comfortable, you can find another dom, you can’t erase a bad experience. Better safe then sorry.

So go out and play, just be safe, put in a screening process, and find the right dom for you. Any dom worth your time will be more than understanding about your requirements, and will respect you more for having them.

written by: Cleofaye

[Via http://morethanjustknots.wordpress.com]

Almost enough

As I mentioned yesterday, family, work and general stresses from the outside world had been hindering the kind of dynamic I so craved.

The first five months of our relationship were tumultuous, but full of raw excitement and passion. I have lots of stories from that time which I think I’ll save for now; plenty of little nuggets of erotic play. Sir had to leave for the summer to work a contract about 4 hours away. It was very hard. I missed him like mad, and I missed the discipline I’d grown so used to. Since then, there were periods of time when we would play hard and heavy, and our day-to-day relationship thrived. The lull happened when things in our lives made both of us feel as though we were powerless. He didn’t feel worthy of exerting control, and I didn’t feel safe enough in my own head to let him go there in that state.

However.

Lately, things have calmed down a little and I’m back in a place where I can trust him again. I am craving being retrained – having all of the naughty, bad little habits I’ve picked up over the months beaten out of me (both literally and figuratively). The hunger that I feel stirring up inside me is a powerful beast. I need to submit. I may need to submit 24/7 for a while. Something deep within me is missing and with Sir’s help, I can fill it up.

One of the lessons he taught me very early on, and something we discussed at length was that he was not the magical fix to any deep seeded need I may have. My submission, my training and my trust were in his hands, but were to improve my outlook on myself. He was the facilitator, not the answer.

So, after some discussion spanning the past few weeks, two nights ago, after a trying evening at work, I got a call from Sir telling me to be ready and waiting when he arrived home. My heart fluttered. I put the phone back on the cradle and promptly took off my clothes. On went my collar, my wrist and ankle cuffs, and a hint of makeup. I brushed my hair and quickly tidied up the place, finishing just in time to meet him, kneeling at the door. He smiled as he looked down at me. He first asked me to stand up so he could take a look. He called me “a vision”. After a thorough examination, I helped him take off his coat and boots, then knelt at his feet while he sat in his chair, deciding what to do with me next. He wanted to check his email and relax a little before dealing with me, so he told me to stand in the middle of the room, sticking my tits and ass out, accentuating the curve in my back. He told me to look straight ahead and to keep my arms straight out to my sides. I responded with a smile and a “Yes Sir!”

Now, call me out of practice, but my arms got tired fairly quickly. This amused him greatly. I knew he was testing me. He was testing how much I wanted to get back into the swing of serving and pleasing him. I could feel my stubbornness boiling beneath my skin. As uncomfortable as it was, it brought me great pleasure to demonstrate to Sir just how focused I was.

It was a night of retesting limits. Sir put the clover clamps on my nipples, then tied the chain of the clamps to the heel of my stiletto. He tied my wrists to my ankles so I was fully splayed and fully available and proceeded to fuck my cunt and my ass with his cock, a thick dildo and his fingers. In addition, I was allowed to take spankings from his hands, the flogger and a wooden spoon. Nothing was too much for me to handle. In fact, if I had felt slightly more outgoing, I would have asked for more. Asking for what I’d like is something I continue to work on – it doesn’t come naturally. In any case, I loved the beating. It takes a lot to mark me and I wished he would go full out so I could come away with badges. But I was happy with what he was giving me, and I took it all with pride.

After he had allowed me to have an orgasm, he let me kneel down in front of his and suck his cock. It was slick with my juices and I took as much of it as I could into my throat. To finish off our play, he had me ride him in a squatting position with my hands behind my head, thanking him for the use of his cock. When he came, he held me for a while. It was sweet. The hard play was over, but the rest of the night was service-oriented (which I also enjoy for the most part). I ran the water for his shower, I was waiting with a towel to dry him off, I made him tea and generally made myself available to be there to tend to his needs.

All in all it was a wonderful night and has pushed me even deeper into the mindset that I so want to maintain. I am craving more. We’ve decided to set up a time to lay out some objectives for the near future, and I cannot wait to see where that takes us. For now, however, I am eagerly awaiting Sir beckoning me. He is sitting in the chair next to me, playing with himself and will let me know when to kneel before him to be his cum receptacle. Then he is taking me out on a date night. I have been instructed to wear my collar and ankle cuffs, though I am allowed to wear an outfit that will conceal them. Just knowing that I’ll be in public wearing these very personal items is making my slut cunt drip with excitement!

<3 Ruby

[Via http://rubysjourney.wordpress.com]

these are a few of my favourite things

Snakes. Snakes are damn sexy. Smooth, muscular, not human, fully prehensile. Heat-seeking creatures with heavy cultural symbolism and taboo built into every scale. The way they scent you with their forked tongues, slither and wrap themselves around you in a slow, dry, deliberate caress. The way they rear up when surprised, ready to strike but watching, watching, waiting before action, because they can take action any time they want, in a split second. Mm.

Leather. Not the kind that’s the victim of misguided design (quilting and pleats, anyone?), or dripping with studs and fringe, or ill-fitting. Rather, the kind that smoothly encases the body like a literal second skin, that gleams darkly in light, that’s soft and hard all at once, that smells rich and slides against the body when you move. It doesn’t have to be black to be beautiful, but that sure does help.

Boots. Classic design and quality material, natch. Boots with a heavy enough sole that they add noticeable weight to your step, that cause you to walk with just a hint of a swagger, that plant firmly and hold the foot with care. Boots that are dirty, because they beg to be cleaned. Boots that are gleaming, because they beg to be licked. Boots that are new, because they hold untold promise. Boots that are old, because they exude history.

Conversation. The kind that starts smoothly and surprises you with a bit of a flirt, and that turns into a mutual weaving of ideas and lasts well past the time you thought it would end when you first introduced yourself. Conversation that renders you breathless, that makes you laugh but not giggle, that challenges and affirms all at once, that connects and excites and leaves you with more questions than answers, one being, when can we do this again?

Dance music. I know many will disagree with me on this one, but hear me out. Dance music that’s exquisitely constructed to compel the body to move. Rich, deep bass that cradles the pelvic floor muscles and pushes the hips into motion, but not so loud as to reverberate or drown out the tune. A treble line that fills your lungs and tickles your shoulders, beckoning you to follow as it takes you spiraling up and around, a melody that makes you a little bit sad in the midst of the sheer joy of motion. A DJ who knows how to work with these things – a bit of suspense every once in a while, but only long enough to make you really want it, none of those long empty pauses where the body has time to lose its momentum and the mind has time to refocus. I don’t want focus when I’m dancing. I want to lose myself in the bodily experience of the beat.

Burlesque. But it has to be done right. I want to be teased, titillated, surprised, denied. Start with a gorgeous costume. I appreciate the humour and camp of burlesque, don’t get me wrong, but what I really want is a sweetly curved feminine body in clothes that push the curves out, pinch the waist in, flatter and slink and drip and veil. Don’t take them off too fast and spoil the surprise. Make me wait for it. Show me a little bit, and then take it away again. I want you to take your body from the realm of cheap and glittery spectacle into the world of luxurious, decadent art. I’m not actually here to see your breasts or your butt. I’m here for the enjoyment of being made to want to see those things, so make me want them.

Books. More specifically, books about sex. Lots of them. The words on their covers, the ideas inside, the crisp feel of pages, the scent of ink and paper and musty old glue, the knowledge that if I am surrounded by books about sex it means I am not the only one in the course of history who has spent this much time thinking about sex and all its many meanings and permutations. Proof positive that sex has inspired deep thought, intense creativity, broad theorizing, endless debate. All of this documented and catalogued and explicated and questioned and created. Bliss.

Blood. But not just any blood. It has to be done right. You have to do it voluntarily – accidents are just messy, and often tainted with the wrong smell. I want a dark-red jewel welling up from a single tiny hole, or perhaps several, or maybe a razor-sharp line that stings and gives me more. Salty, thick, delicious. Powerful. A bit of fear mixed in to heighten the scent, flavoured all the more sweetly with the intensity of your totally irrational, but utterly compelling, desire to feed me.

Clothes. Your clothes. The ones that you chose because they made you feel dressed up, groomed, beautiful, confident. A nicely ironed shirt that nestles just under the freshly shaved line at the nape of your neck. A casually knotted tie that just happens to match your socks. Pants that break on your instep and hug your hips just so. The look on your face that’s cocky and proud and a bit shy all at once, knowing you look good but not sure I’ve noticed yet.

And you? What are a few of your favourite things?

 

[Via http://sexgeek.wordpress.com]

Adam Lambert: The Male Madonna?

Adam Lambert’s AMA performance left nothing to be desired- there was fondling, crotch grabbing, falling and recovering, bird flipping, and face sucking- just for starters. At different points he walked a dancer on a leash, simulated a blowjob with another, and kissed yet another (all of these dancers were male). See for yourself 

(From Associated Press) “Before his performance, Lambert said that he wanted to break down a double standard that existed where female performers are often sexually provocative while men don’t do it that often.” Well you’re half right about that, Adam- they usually don’t get provocative with other men.  Read more

Predictably his performance has inspired “more than 1500″ complaints to ABC and drawn the attention of censors. Which, of course, can only help his career. Hurts so good indeed…

[Via http://sexinpower.com]

Rollercoaster of Love

I know I’m overdue to chime in on here.  As he has mentioned, there has been a shift in things around here.

When we first met, we had discussed the fact that both of us were switches.  As our relationship progressed, it seemed that he was more a Dominant with submissive tendencies while I was a submissive with Dominant (aka stubborn and bratty) tendencies.  So, we had settled into a traditional Mdom/fsub relationship.  But, of course, we can never do things traditionally in our household so, even though he was the Dominant, he stayed home with our kids and I was the breadwinner of the family.  I can admit now that there were many times where this situation did not sit well with me but I didn’t feel comfortable enough with taking on a Dominant role.  His sexual experiences way outnumber mine so I felt intimidated that I wouldn’t do as well as other lovers he had.

Prior to our move, things were not well – lots of stress, little to no sex – so, once we were finally done getting everything moved in, we were both frustrated.  When I get frustrated and stressed, I tend to withdraw, which made things even worse.  Once I did start to get my sex drive back, I kept leaning towards teasing and torturing him.  Eventually, this spawned a turn towards a Mommy/little boy relationship.  I’m not a harsh Mistress by any means, hence the Mommy role.  It was a pleasant experience for me because he is such a responsive slut and thoughtful little boy.  We even started looking at harnesses and new dildos for me to use on him.  I thought to myself that I finally had gotten the control in the relationship that I had wanted.

However, while this relationship was developing, conversation had sparked between myself and one of my friends on twitter.  We actually ended up doing a bit of roleplaying the first night we really talked.  The interesting twist to things was that we had done a Daddy/babygirl RP.  So, yes, I was engaging in one side online and the other in real life with him.  It caused a bit of strife in the first couple days but we talked through it and decided that this would be the best course for now….until today.

This post was actually going to take a different slant except a couple things I read today shed some light for me.  I have been lurking and following bad bad girl’s journey into a new D/s relationship and her post today struck a chord with me.  I have been reading a daybook on simple living and one of the entries I was catching up on talked about answered prayers.  Most people don’t think about the fact that, if your prayer is answered, you then have to take responsibility for what comes of it.  Also, most of the time, what you actually ask for is not what you are needing (i.e., asking for a soulmate when what you need is the self-confidence to be the person to attract your soulmate).  Through discussion, I realized that, when I wanted more control in the relationship, what I really needed was a greater sense of appreciation and validation from him.  I think the past couple weeks have been some sort of cosmic test/reminder/kick in the tail of where I fit in and what my role is.  So, we are back to our old arrangement of Daddy/babygirl.  But, all in all, I learned a valuable lesson – I finally see how a polyamorous arrangement would be beneficial for us.  I have a deep-seated need for affection and attention from my childhood (long story for another day) – so, while the relationship I have with him has been very good, it’s not quite enough for me.  I realize that statement sounds a little greedy and maybe I am.  We already have been in talks with a female friend, who we both agree would be a good addition to our relationship as we both would be involved intimately with her.  But now, our definition of our ideal poly relationship has expanded to include a male play partner for myself.  He has stated that he would allow me alone time with my partner but he would also want the option to be involved in our play at some point.

So, there will be more exploring and an adjustment period while we settle back into our roles but it should be an interesting ride.

–

This is where I chime in. I have to say first off I’m glad to have my babygirl back. I’ve missed her a great deal despite enjoying my role as of late. We both learned a great deal from this time reversed. I learned I really am a bit of a wanton whore. Go ahead, get the ‘duh, obvious’ out of the way. I’ll wait. *tick* *tock* *tick* *tock* Done now? Ok, as I was saying. Aside from a really spiked interest in anal play and being tormented/tortured at night in bed [and I hope both continue...damn did I sleep good those nights], I realized how often I openly sought validation for my actions from her. I plan to keep that in mind and offer it to her without her being quite as pressing [read annoying, I'm sure she does] as I was. I also feel I have a better handle on myself, to the point where a short bit of notice and some play to help me along should make it easy to briefly flip the switch as it were. That way when she does feel like being Mommy again, or beating me with the flogger and what not [yes, open invitation] to get out her aggression, there won’t be a tug of war for control. If I go much further I might as well start a post of my own, so I’ll end with this. I’m happy to have my girl back after my time with Mommy and I’m going to make sure she doesn’t forget that anytime soon.

[Via http://psycosispath.wordpress.com]

Good News!

I’m happy to announce that Going Down at the Dock has found a home with Breathless Press! Here’s a little blurb to tease you. I’ll get an excerpt up on the website this weekend and keep you updated on when this sizzling story will be released.

Blurb

Businesswoman Jasmine Kendall needs one thing to escape her high pressured life: a powerful man who will bend her and make her submit. Meeting Master Darren Finnagen can give her everything she dreamed. He’s a man who will control her every move, push her to new heightened orgasms, and bring her total happiness. His latest plans for her include a jaunt down a shipping dock where she must make three strangers come, but when she’s done, will Darren be waiting for her or was this just a test?

 

Slacking

I’ve been slacking with my blog lately, I know. I’ve been writing like crazy though, so that’s a good thing right? Writing means possible new releases in my future.
Speaking of new releases I FINALLY received my release date for Heat Waves – Dec 4th!! Still no cover yet.
I’m sooo excited. I’ll have two releases in December.

I’m happy to say I finished book three of the Lady Shea’s Manor series over the weekend and began writing book one. I’m confident I’ll get this one done by months end and I’ll work on book two in December, along with Laney’s Delights. I’m really excited about writing that story. I had to put it aside to work on other stuff. Oh crap and I forgot I have a Jan 1 deadline for a Valentine short. That’s half done so I’ll be working on that next month too.

I had a great idea for a St. Patrick’s Day story, but think I’ve missed the deadlines for that. There’s always next year. It’s almost time to start thinking summer stories. Hmmmm, I love the warm weather.

Weekend NaNo totals:
Saturday – 1782
Sunday – 2252

queer and the family

Sometime last year, I came across this little gem of a paragraph on the blog “Adventures in Deconstruction” by Mary Bryson, a queer theory professor at UBC. She’s referring here to a gathering of people at her home for Christmas:

[...] [P]lease don’t think ‘queer’ is about the sex/gender of who folks cozy up to. It’s just about affirming a principle of kinship that is other than blood ties. And of course, many people who I really wanted to celebrate with DID have family things happening that were good and wonderful, and so couldn’t be celebrating with us last night. So it was far from the whole queer family. But maybe that’s all there ever is anyway — that particular queer family, that night, in that place, and f*ck the idea that there is ever a “whole” anything. What I do know for sure is that there was a lot of love in our house last evening.

I hung onto that paragraph for quite some time after reading it. In fact, as part of a longstanding personal tradition, I inscribed it onto the front page of my agenda for this year. It’s a strange little habit I acquired many years ago – sometime within the last couple of weeks of any given calendar year, or the first few of a new one, I seem to come across one or two quotes that really strike me. Perhaps my mind is somehow open to new thoughts in a way it isn’t at other times, I don’t know. All I can say is that I take it on faith that whatever strikes me has some sort of importance, and so I write it down in my agenda so I can refer back to it throughout the year and figure out what it’s trying to tell me. Call it quirky, call it superstitious – I just find it to be an interesting exercise in thought.

So Bryson’s quote really grabbed me, and tonight I find myself turning it over in my mind. Why? Maybe because I’ve been thinking lots about one branch of my queer family – composed of the Spawn, the Spawnlet, the Moms, and my ex, T, who helped create the little ones, along with a number of other quirky characters – because we co-authored an essay for the anthology And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, and Our Unexpected Families, which was just recently published. And while I recognize that blood ties are involved in the production of spawn, my own blood has naught to do with it, and yet they’re still family to me.

Maybe it’s because there’s been another death in the family – not my own blood family this time, but that of another member of my queer family, and I’ll be flying out to a funeral later this week because of it (straight from teaching workshops on fisting and non-monogamy in Montreal, no less – oh, what a weird life).

And that reminds me of how I felt when I turned around to leave the church after my grandfather’s funeral this spring, and was quite startled to see that two members of my leather family, D and R, had tracked down the location of the funeral proceedings and shown up, sitting quietly in the back of the church until they saw me leave and came to offer warm hugs. I was surrounded by people who are blood-related to me, but the sight of my leather family people struck me really strongly, in a way that made me realize how I knew exactly who my family was in that room, and my definition didn’t necessarily line up with that of many others present. I love many members of my blood family, but I didn’t choose them. The presence of leather family in that particular setting reminded me that the power of choice trumps just about everything for me, including blood.

(Just for the record, I consider certain members of my blood family to be chosen family as well. I realize this is an odd superimposition, but it’s an important one to me because that choice has been mutual, active and ongoing for years in a way that makes our relationships meaningful on a level that blood alone does not.)

D was musing on the phone with me, months later, about the nature of family. She told an anecdote about another leather family member whose father had made a statement to the effect that “you can always count on family” (by which he meant blood family), and she nearly laughed in his face. For some of us, our experience tells us – no matter how we might like it to be different – that you cannot count on blood family as a matter of course, that blood is often no better than a broken promise. And the very idea that his statement might be true in some sort of automatic fashion, evident to all and universally unquestionable, was downright funny, if in a morbid sort of way.

Of course, I understood right away, as D knew I would. D wondered out loud if perhaps our faith in queer family, in leather family, in chosen family, is as strong as it is precisely because our own experiences of blood family have not borne out the traditional promise of unfailing support and unconditional love, any more than our own lives have borne out the traditional expectation of heterosexual monogamous marriage and childbirth upon which the idea of “unconditional” so often rests. Perhaps it’s precisely because we’ve forged our family ties by choice and by dint of effort rather than by virtue of shared genes and assumed kinship. But perhaps there’s an element of pain in there too – perhaps, if our families had all been the places of safety and kindness we’d have liked them to be, we might have been able to buy in. Does that mean we’re all damaged and dysfunctional? No, or at least, no more so than anyone else. But it does mean we have lived experience that foregrounds a different understanding of family, and one that we’ve chosen to make beautiful in our own ways.

So when Bryson writes about “affirming a principle of kinship that is other than blood ties,” I get what she means. My kin are a wild mix of generous-hearted, ethically-minded and pervy-living leatherfolk; lovers, former lovers, never-were lovers who are nonetheless far more than the simple word “friend” could encompass; people who’ve held me through sorrow and whom I’ve supported through illness and strife; brothers and uncles and cousins with whom I share a certain family resemblance and a deep connection as well; younglets whom I’ve had the pleasure of helping to name, babysit, feed, read to, and (in the case of one not-so-young younglet) even take shopping for a first strap-on.

To think about it, I’m not actually sure they’ve ever all been in the same place at the same time. It’s a funny thought, that some of my family members haven’t ever met one another. But as Bryson also writes, “maybe that’s all there ever is anyway — that particular queer family, that night, in that place, and f*ck the idea that there is ever a ‘whole’ anything.” And like her, what I do know is that there’s a lot of love.

NYC Top Comedy Choices for Friday 11/13/09

For full details, please visit HyReviews.com.

Brilliant writer/actress Amy Heidt brings one of the very finest & funniest shows at this year's FringeNYC to UCBT tonight via the revival of her one-woman show Dominate Yourself!

Tonight’s recommendations for the best in New York City comedy (in chronological order, with top picks noted and shows over $10 marked with $) include:

[MEGA-TOP PICK] 6:30 pm ($5): One of the very best productions at this August’s spectacular FringeNYC Festival, Amy Heidt’s one-woman show (for my review, please click here), debuts tonight at UCBT for a mere five bucks—and is paired with a new one-woman show from UCBT star Shannon O’Neill!—in the double-bill bargain of the evening: Amy Heidt: Dominate Yourself! and Shannon O’Neil: Prison Freaks—A Talent Show

[MEGA-TOP PICK] 8:00 pm ($10): Wearing wigs and waistcoats, extraordinarily quick-witted improvisors Neil Reynolds and Matt Tucker portray “two of America’s angriest founders: Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr” and the events leading up to their historic duel—while crafting deliciously silly scenes. For example, when the duo performed during the magical Del Close Improv Marathon in 2007, Burr proposed a law declaring US land as “international waters” so he’d have more freedom to sleep with married women. When Hamilton thwarted him, the villain seceded and declared his body his own country, “the United State of Burr.” These Boston-based improvisors are among the sharpest in the country, and it’s thrilling that they’re gracing NYC for this one night only with their unique themed improv. Expect something quite special at Code Duello: Hamilton &. Burr

[TOP PICK] [$] 8:00 pm & 10:30 pm ($31.25 & 2-drink min.) The former star of Comedy Central’s much-missed Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn headlining tonight through Sunday at Carolines: Colin Quinn

[TOP PICK] [$] 8:00 pm & 10:30 pm ($37 & 2-item min.): A star actor who’s performed in over 50 films and TV shows, and an exceptionally sharp stand-up, headlining tonight and Saturday at the elegant Comix Comedy Club: Larry Miller

[TOP PICK] 8:00 pm ($10): A new sketch show from highly talented husband & wife comedy team Tim Girrbach & Alicia Levy about “The journey of two unlikely hip-hop stars to the top of the charts told through the people who made them—managers, stylists, choreographers, optometrists. Written and preformed by Alicia & Tim, and directed and choreographed by Wendy Seyb: Paired Up and Pumpin’

[FREE] 8:00 pm: Superb stand-ups Baron Vaughn, Rob Cantrell, Aparna Nancherla, Neal Stastny, Seaton Smith, and Michael Lawrence performing at Brooklyn’s Coco 66 for Nick Turner’s Too Cool for School

9:00 pm (no cover, 1-item min.): NYC stand-up comics performing stand-up in Ochi’s Lounge at a gay-themed show hosted by the lovely Jenny Rubin: The Back Room
[TOP PICK] 9:30 pm ($10): Some of the finest improv in NYC from the comedy genius members of The Stepfathers

[TOP PICK] 9:30 pm ($10): A groundbreaking and surreal improv/sketch troupe focusing on our favorite city: Centralia: The New York Show

10:00 pm ($7): Singing improvisors who use an interview with an audience member to craft The Made-Up Musical

[TOP PICK] 11:00 pm ($5): Top UCBT talents—tonight featuring Jeff Hiller, Fran Gillespie, Nate Lang, Jim Santangeli, Mike Still, and Andree Vermeulen as the performers, and Neil Casey, John Frusciante, Dan Gregor, Dan Gurewitch, Anthony King, Craig Rowin, Eric Scott, Nate Smith, Caitlin Tegart, and Greg Tuculescu as the writers—creating a one-night-only sketch comedy show directed by Will Hines, and hosted by rising star stand-up Hannibal Burress (staff writer for Saturday Night Live; Comedy Central): Beneath Gristedes

[FREE] 12:20ish am: Your opportunity to perform on the UCBT stage with improv veterans, hosted by stellar troupe The Law Firm: Jammin’ with Ralph

[$] 12:30 am ($31.25 & 2-drink min.) A provocative comedy star who’s written for Richard Pryor, Red Foxx, and Saturday Night Live, and performed on Chappelle’s Show and David Letterman, headlining through Sunday at Carolines: Paul Mooney

For full details, please visit HyReviews.com.

The Lies about the Ten Lies-part 3

We have Zxenu Cronstrom Beskow onboard as our guestblogger. He examines the radical feminist claims abut ‘lies’ told by BDSMers.

The first part
Second part

Part 3: “Sadomasochism versus Radical Feminist dogma”

If Farley had openly accused sadomasochists of not conforming to the dogmas of her particular brand of radical feminism, then she had been correct. But this is not what she is doing. Instead, she’s exploiting mainstream society’s contempt for BDSM in an attempt to establish her very special discourse as if it was a objective reality or consensus viewpoint. She’s establishing a world view where society itself is “sadomasochistic” and where her own brand of radicalism is the ONLY valid resistance against mainstream society. Lets take a look at the remaining four points.

2. Sadomasochism is love and trust, not domination and annihilation.

Good relationships, sadomasochistic and vanilla (conventional/mainstream) alike, are based on love and trust. Of course, there are also bad relationships. There are also sexual relations that are based on mutual lust rather then love. Such a relationship can still be mutual and non-abusive if it contains enough trust and respect.

Farley’s examples are not even examples, merely shallow propaganda. David Koresh was a destructive religious cult leader, not a sadomasochist. Of course HIS kind of dominance was bad – and so was his heterosexuality and masculinity. If he is being to be used as an example of sadomasochism being bad on a general level, then he can just as well be used as an example of heterosexuality being bad on a general level, or of men being bad on a general level. Then again, there are radical feminists who would agree with that kind of argument.

Farley also uses some sexual fantasies as examples. And indeed, these particular fantasies certainly do not seem loving. Then again, they are fantasies. The love and trust is not about the fantasies themselves, but about how they are handled. Also, there are a lot of sadomasochistic fantasies that are very much about love, and many heterosexual and homosexual fantasies that have nothing to do with love.

4. Sadomasochism is consensual; no one gets hurt if they don’t want to get hurt. No one has died from sadomasochistic “scenes.”

Regardless of her sexuality, a victim of abuse is a victim period, not a masochist. She may or may not ALSO be a masochist, but this is entirely beside the point. By the definitions that sadomasochists typically use, abuse (sadistic or otherwise) is not sadomasochistic. The word sadomasochism include the word masochism, and this word implies that the person on the receiving end is there as a masochist, not as a victim.

Thus, BDSM and sadomasochistic sex can never be abusive, but only in the same way as vanilla lovemaking can never be abusive: If it turns abusive, then it is no longer lovemaking.

Of course, there are many sexual relations – vanilla and BDSM alike – that have started out consensual, but later turned abusive. This is a real problem, but it doesn’t men that all sadists (in the BDSM sense of the word) are abusers, and it does not mean that all heterosexual men are abusers either.

Furthermore, there are people who have died from vanilla lovemaking, so of course there are also people who have died from consensual BDSM play. Heart attacks are a common cause in both cases, but when it comes to advanced forms of BDSM there is also the issue of people being inexperienced and lacking proper safety education. Just as with mainstream sexuality, porn is NOT a good teacher for how to do it in real life. Even in its advanced forms, BDSM can be LESS dangerous then vanilla sex – but only if people know what they are doing.

Deeper in her argument, Farley practically claims that it is impossible to consent to BDSM – that the masochist is a brainwashed victim who does not know what she really want or an addict unable to say no. While a convenient excuse to disqualify the experiences of women who don’t share Farley’s dogma, it is simply not true for masochists in general, regardless of gender. (Farley’s argument seem to assume that the submissive is always female and the dominant is always male.) Of course there are individual masochists and victims of manipulative sadists who fit this stereotype, just like there are destructive vanilla relationships that contain addiction or cultlike tendencies.

6. Sadomasochistic pornography has no relationship to the sadomasochistic society we live in. “If it feels good, go with it.” “We create our own sexuality.”

Mainstream society is most definitely not sadomasochistic in any definition of “sadomasochism” that EITHER the sadomasochists themselves OR the mainstream society would agree with. Farley is taking theoretical constructs of radical feminism for objective reality here.

10. Sadomasochism is political dissent. It is progressive and even “transgressive” in that it breaks the rules of the dominant sexual ideology.

Seen from a non-totalitarian perspective, this statement contains an obvious truth. Although sadomasochism, just like homosexuality, is becoming more and more accepted, it is still far from mainstream.

To deny this, one must reduce reality to two groups. On one side, the one and only true resistance (in this case radical feminists) and on the other side the evil conspiracy and all its minions, including all resistances that do not conform to the orthodoxy of the one and only true resistance.

Of course, this only covers the matter of dissent. Far from all dissent is constructive, progressive or transgressive in any good sense of any such word. If one can reasonably consider BDSM and sadomasochism to be good things depends on your point of view.

In BDSM, dominance and submission is optional and not based on gender. One can be dominant, submissive, both or neither, regardless of whether one is a man, woman, intersexual or a gender-undefined queer-person. Being a dominant doesn’t give you any right to dominate someone who doesn’t want to be dominated by you or in a way that he doesn’t want to be dominated. Being a submissive gives you a right to chose who to submit to, when, how and to what extent.

From a queer-feminist perspective, this is very liberating and a useful tool in the struggle for freedom and diversity. From most other feminist perspective, it is neutral: Neither a good thing and a help, nor a bad thing and a threat.

From a totalitarian conservative or radical feminist perspective however, it is inherently evil. It is, by definition, a lie – Or at least a contradiction in terms. One core belief shared by patriarchal conservatism and radical feminism is that men are, by definition, dominant/oppressive, while women are, again by definition, submissive/oppressed. While the conservatives consider it good and the radical feminists consider it evil, both sides agree that That’s Just The Way It Is. Thus, the dominant women and submissive men of BDSM must be explained away for their worldview to remain intact. And an all-out attack is always the easiest defense.

By Xzenu Cronström Beskow

The author is a  queerfeminist veteran, active both in struggles against sexual abuse and  for the rights of sexual minorities. Xzenu has  academic degrees in psychology and sexology.

Love, Surrender and Bliss

Madam P and I had the most splendid weekend ever.  On Friday Madam took me to a play party at a private dungeon.  The party was low key and laid back.  There weren’t a lot of people there (maybe 15 or 20), and the atmosphere was intimate and familiar (even though we didn’t know most of the people.)  Lucky for us, our 2 favorite people from the local BDSM scene were also there, so we enjoyed socializing with them for quite a while.

Madam and I settled into a comfy sofa for a little bit, watching the various forms of torture and beatings happening all around us.  After a while we got up and started to explore different areas and pieces of equipment around the dungeon.  A sex swing suspended from the ceiling by 4 heavy chains caught Madam’s attention.  She had me lay down on the swing, hooking my ankles into the velvet loops attached to 2 of the chains.  I was splayed out, my legs straight up in the air and spread, but still fully dressed (if you call a skimpy cami that barely covered my big boobs and a short crotch-length denim skirt fully dressed.)  Madam started out nibbling on, and then biting, my inner thighs.  Without getting too graphic (out of respect for Madam), after Madam removed my top, she bit and nibbled me to several screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) orgasms!  (Everyone present is now keenly aware that I’m a screamer.)

After Madam P was done making me scream my head off, she had me running around the house waiting on her with just my 5 inch heels and ultra-short skirt on.  I fetched her water and a cookie or 2.  We hid out in a cage for about half an hour, Madam laid out and me on all fours, passionately making out.  It seemed like Madam was winding down (it was getting late), so I excused myself to use the bathroom expecting that we would head home after I was done.  When I came back a few minutes later, Madam informed me that she’d been talking with a dominant man, PH, who we had watched working his canes on a pretty lady earlier in the evening; Madam said she had asked PH if he would be willing to cane her slave girl and he said yes.

I’d mentioned to Madam earlier in the evening as we’d watched PH working that I was curious about the canes since I’ve never experienced them before.  And even though I was nervous and a little scared, I was very eager to obey Madam P’s directions and to make Madam proud by taking the caning without complaint or resistance. 

I stripped naked and laid myself out on the table where PH had his tools set up.  He started out easy, working my butt, explaining his technique to Madam, showing her different ways to stroke the cane for different effects.  PH worked down to the backs of my thighs and my calves.  He worked his way back up to my butt and my back below the shoulder blades.  All the while he kept striking me a little harder and a little harder.  I remember that it hurt like hell at first.  I tried to control my breathing to stay calm and redirect the pain, but it was no use; PH was in complete control of my breathing… I gasped for air with each stroke.  Little moans and whimpers started to escape from somewhere deep inside.  At some point, I felt a calm wash over me.  I relaxed into the rhythm of PH’s blows, as though my body realized that tension was only making it hurt worse.  Every now and then, PH would land a quick hard SMACK across my butt causing me to cry out and bounce a few inches off the table; all the people standing around watching him work on me loved seeing me bounce off the table with a loud YELP (according to Madam P.)  At one point, PH started poking my butt and thighs (where he’d been hitting me) with his finger which caused me to laugh and giggle; the spectators enjoyed that too apparently.

Madam says that when it was over I had this dreamy look on my face, like I was high or drunk.  I felt good, refreshed, blissed out.  The pain didn’t really set in until the next day.  Over all, I’d say that I loved the experience.  I loved the endorphin rush.  (I can see how people get hooked on skillful beatings.)  I love the bruises.  I loved being on the table, letting out yelps and screams… I know how much Madam loves to hear me scream, and I love screaming for her.  And I love that Madam has discovered that tender bruised muscles can be useful in controlling bratty behavior.

Here it is Monday, and I have the most beautiful black bruises all over my ass.  Madam has found that because my butt is still so tender to the touch, all she has to do is to poke me in the butt with her finger to make me yelp and squirm if I’m acting bratty with her.  (I love it when Madam P gets creative and spontaneous about correcting bad behavior.)

Madam says she’s taking me to another play party this coming Friday.  I can hardly wait to see what surprises she has in store this time.

(Hey, remind me to tell you about how I spent most of Saturday night soundly sleeping on the floor at Madam’s feet in the living room.)

13 Hardcore Hotties

• Marie Luv

• Fayth Deluca

• Annette Schwarz

• Phoenix Marie

• Devon Lee

• Gia Paloma

• Isis Love

• Gwen Diamond

• Presley Maddox

• Alexa Lynn

• Tyla Wynn

• Delilah Strong

• Claire Dames

Wednesday

I learned Ignited will be available from Ellora’s Cave on January 26th. I’m excited because Body Shots releases on December 15th, so I’ll have 2 out in a row from EC.

Another good Nano day 1862 for today. 540 yesterday. Not so good, but I’ll reach my goal either way.

I have an awesome contest going on this month for newsletter subscribers. Why not join and get a change at a free book and a gift card.

authoramberskyze-subscribe@yahoogroups.com    

Short post today because I have lots of editing to do. Happy Hump Day!